MAXIMUM EXTREME ULTRA DANGER
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Pentagon officials announced today that the recently approved $847 billion defense budget will "barely cover the essentials" including premium coffee for generals and gold-plated paperclips. "We've had to make tough choices between caviar and cruise missiles," explained Budget Director General Penny Wise. Read full report →
The U.S. Army unveiled its groundbreaking "Gamer to Warrior" recruitment initiative, targeting Call of Duty players with promises that "real war is just like Xbox, but with better graphics." Mountain Dew and Doritos now classified as military rations. Read full report →
The Department of War proudly announced the successful deployment of its revolutionary $50 billion invisible fighter jet. The F-404 "Ghost Budget" has performed so well that even our own military can't find it. "Mission accomplished!" declared confused officials. Read full report →
In partnership with Amazon, the Department of War now offers Prime Drone Strike delivery! Same-day democracy installation with free shipping on orders over $1 billion. Subscribe to Drone Prime+ for 15-minute guaranteed freedom delivery. Read full report →
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