"At Least We're Honest Now™"
The Department of War's proprietary threat assessment algorithm utilizes advanced pattern recognition, coffee consumption metrics, and budget justification requirements to determine the current threat level. Our system has maintained a perfect record of accuracy by consistently indicating maximum threat levels since its inception, thereby ensuring continuous operational readiness and funding allocation.
Technical Note: The threat indicator's position at 90% rather than 100% represents our reserve capacity for threats we haven't invented yet.